The Secret Sisterhood of Miscarriage for Scary Mommy

eva-rocking
I wrote about how bittersweet it is to see your daughter lovingly rock her doll after a miscarriage for Scary Mommy.
I never planned to publicly share this story.

Yet in the middle of the night I found the word pouring out onto my computer screen. Then the next day I found myself pushing send to Scary Mommy. To be honest, even then, I didn’t think it would ever be published.

This is by far the most personal piece I have ever written. There is a reason I mostly write about home design. Yes, I am passionate about it and it’s a major part of my life, but it doesn’t leave much room for criticism about who I fundamentally am as a person. Unless of course, you don’t agree with my lighting choices, because that is definitely personal.

In real life, I’m not a quiet person and many people know about my miscarriage. However, there were times in the weeks and months following our loss that I casually mentioned it to people that I’m not particularly close to. I often instantly regretted it, really regretted it. I worried that speaking about it made people feel uncomfortable or that I was being dramatic. 

Trust me, talking about miscarriage is awkward and it really puts a wrench in a nice, casual social interaction. However, I shouldn’t have regretted it. Talking about it helped me heal. I also came to realize how many people understood exactly how I felt, or could empathize with my pain. 

I didn’t know that people who owed me nothing would show me the greatest kindness, or that their kindness would be my silver lining. [Read More]

Eventually I stopped talking about it. But 6 months after the fact, I laid in the stillness of the night reflecting. I felt a compulsive need to put the words in my head down. 

So here it is. This is my story on what it’s like after the miscarriage, when it seems like everyone else has forgotten about your loss. Thank you Scary Mommy for being willing to share my story.

No one told me what it would feel like to watch my almost 2-year-old rock in her little rocking chair while whispering “I love you so much” to a doll cradled in her arms. No amount of research could have prepared me for the fact that the words “sister” and “brother” would feel like ice off my daughter’s tiny lips. [Read More]

Some of the feelings I expressed are still the same and some aren’t, but this is exactly how I felt during that moment in time. In many ways, putting my story on paper helped me heal. I hope it can help others, as well.

My miscarriage will always be a part of my story and that is okay. 

Now that I’ve over shared, I ask you to too. It may make people feel awkward, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be said.

Share your story by using the hashtag #IAmOneInFour online.

Scary Mommy
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